CHAPLAINS NOTES
( Designed for daily use on your employee bulletin board! )

On the Internet/E-Mail since 1994

Notes from your Chaplain
On-the-Job Inspiration, Humor and Encouragement

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July 21 – 25, 08

MONDAY  

Luke 17:17-19  Jesus asked, "Were not all ten cleansed? Where are the other nine? ¹⁸ Was no one found to return and give praise to God except this foreigner?" ¹⁹ Then he said to him, "Rise and go; your faith has made you well."

Immortal Tombstone Inscriptions  

Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York: Born 1903--Died 1942. Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way down. It was.  

On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery , Nova Scotia : Here lies Ezekial Aikle, Age 102. Only The Good Die Young.  

In a Ruidoso, New Mexico , cemetery: Here lies Johnny Yeast... Pardon me for not rising.  

In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania , cemetery: Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake. Stepped on the gas instead of the brake.  

In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery: Here lays The Kid. We planted him raw. He was quick on the trigger But slow on the draw.  

England , cemetery: Reader, if cash thou art in want of any, Dig 6 feet deep and thou wilt find a Penny.  

In a cemetery in Hartscombe , England : On the 22nd of June, Jonathan Fiddle went out of tune.  

On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket, Massachusetts: Under the sod and under the trees, Lies the body of Jonathan Pease. He is not here, there's only the pod. Pease shelled out and went to God.  

On Lester Moore's grave in Tombstone, Arizona Here lies Lester Moore Shot by a 44 No Les, No Moore
From:  Maurizio Mariotti and Good Clean Funnies  

The latest findings show the average father spends a little over 27 seconds a day in meaningful conversation with each child he has, whether one or 10. 

While fathers have to compete with iPods, cell phones, cable TV and video games, we do not have to sacrifice our roles as fathers to be present in our children's lives. Too many fathers prefer casual friendship over parenting responsibilities with their children. Personal, face-to-face, time with your children will leave greater impressions on their minds and hearts than all the video games and toys you provide for them as a substitution for your absence. Very few fathers, when they reach retirement and sit alone, will say, "I wish I had spent more time at work or on the golf course." 
Preaching Now July 15, 2008  

In school one day the teacher asked three boys to stand up and tell the class what their fathers did for a living. The first boy stood up and said, 'My father's a plumber.'  

"'That's good, Tommy,' the teacher told him.  

"The second boy stood up and said, 'My father's an engineer.' "'That's good, too,' the teacher said.  

Then the third boy stood up and said, 'My father's dead.' "'I'm very sorry,' the teacher said.’What did he do before he died?'  

"'He went, Oooowwww!'"
Comedian George Burns via Humor Digest

TUESDAY  

Luke 17:20-21  Once, having been asked by the Pharisees when the kingdom of God would come, Jesus replied, "The coming of the kingdom of God is not something that can be observed, ²¹ nor will people say, 'Here it is,' or 'There it is,' because the kingdom of God is in your midst."

I met a young man about months ago along US Highway #1 who was carrying a life size cross and witnessing for Jesus. He had started up in Maryland and had made his way all the way to NC on foot, witnessing and praying with whoever stopped to talk to him. About a year before that, I had a vision of the same journey so I was thrilled one day driving to work to find that vision being fulfilled before my eyes!  

   I have to say, I have never met anyone of a kinder heart or with more genuine love for the Lord than this young man. His name is David Valderrama. I remember u- turning around in the car and jumping out to tell him I had seen him in the vision and here he was before me!!!  

  Anyway, we talked for quite a while and he told me he was carrying the cross as a witness and offering prayer for anyone in need and was going to travel on foot all the way to Miami. Once there, he would go throughout the world with the cross and the same message, where ever God called him to go. I cannot begin to tell you the power and presence of the Holy Spirit I felt when in this young man's presence.  

  Over the month's I have come to know David better and am still in awe of his mission and great passion for the Lord and his love for God's people.  

   Here is his website as he chronicles his journey when he can and has many photos and testimonies on there. He is STRICTLY and TRUELY non - profit and carries only a small bag with a bottle of water, a cell phone and some basic camping supplies at the base of the cross.  

   Interestingly enough, he packed the camping supplies but had never camped and only once so far has actually ever had to use the camping stuff. Even then, someone came before he could go to sleep to awaken him to come stay with them. God had provided accommodations for him through the kindness of those so led all along the way.  

    He has spoken at many churches along the way, prayed with hundreds and seen many people come to the Lord through this journey. His website is:    http://www.bravegeneration.com/  

    He is currently entering into Florida and is now in the Callahan - Jacksonville area.
Mary Ann Mayberry, American Airlines, RDU  

"Is ‘Perfectionism’ a healthy and mature lifestyle, or is it a sickness and a form of immaturity?"  

Perfectionism is a compulsive behavior where one is under bondage seeking to gain approval from others and to prove to him or herself that he/she is a good/perfect person. It comes mostly from early childhood training and, unfortunately, from some churches where people are taught that they can achieve sinless perfection. This is a heavy and impossible burden for anyone to carry. As John said, "If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us."

The fact is that we--including Christians--live in and are a part of this broken, sinful and imperfect world, and will not be freed from our sin nature and imperfections until we go to heaven. And while the Bible encourages us to always do our best, it never implies perfection this side of eternity. In fact, where the Bible says, "Be perfect," the word can be equally translated "complete" or "mature." What God wants is that we grow towards completeness (wholeness) and maturity and that we learn to be satisfied when we know we have done our best.  

Perfectionists are not born. They are made.
Daily Encounter  

WEDNESDAY  

Luke 17:22-25  Then Christ said to his disciples, "The time is coming when you will long to see one of the days of the Son of Man, but you will not see it. ²³ People will tell you, 'There he is!' or 'Here he is!' Do not go running off after them. ²⁴ For the Son of Man in his day ^[c] will be like the lightning, which flashes and lights up the sky from one end to the other. ²⁵ But first he must suffer many things and be rejected by this generation.

Waiting in a long, slow-moving line for security clearance at the Calgary International Airport in Canada, I was annoyed to hear a loud male voice behind me.  "Excuse me, excuse me," said the man as he pushed his way to the front.  "I want to make sure I get a good seat."

I resolved not to let this line-jumper get ahead of me.  When I felt a tap on my shoulder, I whirled around, prepared to unleash a verbal assault that he would never forget . . . but found myself face to face with a smiling pilot.
Humor  

I remember one time [my friend] Beaker and I were hiking on the Appalachian Trail, and he met some friends of his, so I walked into town. It was about a five-mile walk from the campsite down the trail and down into town. And when I got there I went into a restaurant and I was having a steak, and this guy started talking to me and we had this great conversation.  

We were having a good time, and he said, "Hey look, its dark and its five miles up the road to your campground. Why don't I drive you up there?"  

 And I said, "Hey, great!"  

And so we got in his car, and just as we pulled out from under the last light in that town, the guy said, "You know what, I should probably tell you that I'm gay."  

And I said, "Oh! I should probably tell you that I am a Christian."  And he said, "Well, if you want out of the car..."   

I said, "Why?" And he said, "Well, I'm gay and you're Christian." I said, "It's still five miles and it's still dark."

Then he said, "I thought Christians hated gays."  

I said, "That's funny, I thought Christians were supposed to love. I thought that was our first command."  

He said, "Well I thought God hated gays." And I said, "That's really funny, because I thought God was love."  

And then he asked me the big one. He said, "Do you think I will go to hell for being gay?"  

Well I'm a good Hoosier, and I puckered up to say, "Yes, of course you'll go to hell for being gay." I got ready to say that, but when I opened up my mouth it came out, "No, of course you won't go to hell for being gay." And I thought to myself, 'Oh my goodness, I've only been in New Hampshire for one week and I've already turned into a liberal! What am I going to tell this guy now?'  

Then I said to him, "No, you won't go to hell for being gay, any more than I would go to hell for being a liar. Nobody goes to hell because of what they do. We go to hell because we reject the grace that God so longs to give to us, regardless of what we do [or have done]."
Laugh and Lift  

My daughter is an electrical officer on a carrier. Recently I asked her what her duties were. She answered, "To fix electrical problems."  

When I asked what was considered an electrical problem on a carrier, she replied, "Anything you can't fix with a hammer."
Sonja Foerster and Good Clean Funnies

THURSDAY  

Luke 17:26  "Just as it was in the days of Noah, so also will it be in the days of the Son of Man. ²⁷ People were eating, drinking, marrying and being given in marriage up to the day Noah entered the ark. Then the flood came and destroyed them all.

The CIA loses track of one of its operatives, and so calls in one of their top spy hunters.  

The CIA boss says, "All I can tell you is that his name is Murphy and that he's somewhere in Ireland. If you think you've located him, tell him the code words, 'The weather forecast calls for mist in the morning.' If it's really him, he'll answer, 'Yes, and for mist at noon as well.'"  

So the spy hunter goes to Ireland and stops in a bar in one of the small towns.  He says to the bartender, "Maybe you can help me. I'm looking for a guy named Murphy."  

The bartender replies, "You're going to have to be more specific because, around here, there are lots of guys named Murphy.  There's Murphy the Baker, who runs the pastry shop on the next block.  There's Murphy the Banker, who's president of our local savings bank.  There's Murphy the Blacksmith, who works at the stables.  And, as a matter of fact, my name is Murphy, too."  

Hearing this, the spy hunter figures he might as well try the code words on bartender, so he says, "The weather forecast calls for mist in the morning."  

The bartender replies, "Oh, you're looking for Murphy the Spy.  He lives right down the street."
Humor Digest  

An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard; I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was taken care of.  

He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head;  he then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner of the sofa and fell asleep.  

An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.  

The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot on the sofa and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks.  

Curious I pinned a note to his collar: 'I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'  

The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar: 'He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 - he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?'
Scream of the Crop  

A customer in a bakery was observed carefully examining all the rich-looking pastries displayed on trays in the glass cases.  

A clerk approached him and asked, "What would you like?"  

He answered, "I'd like that chocolate-covered, cream-filled doughnut, that jelly-filled doughnut and that cheese Danish."  

Then with a sigh he added, "But I'll take an oat-bran muffin." 
Humor

FRIDAY  

Luke 17:28-29 "It was the same in the days of Lot. People were eating and drinking, buying and selling, planting and building. ²⁹ But the day Lot left Sodom, fire and sulfur rained down from heaven and destroyed them all.  

Harvey Mackay was waiting in line for a ride at the airport.  When a cab pulled up, the first thing Harvey noticed was that the taxi was polished to a bright shine.  Smartly dressed in a white shirt, black tie, and freshly pressed black slacks, the cab driver jumped out and rounded the car to open the back passenger door for Harvey.  

He handed my friend a business card and said:  'I'm Wally, your driver.  While I'm loading your bags in the trunk I'd like you to read my mission statement.' Harvey read the card. It said:  Wally's Mission Statement: To get my customers to their destination in the quickest, safest and cheapest way possible in a friendly environment.  

This blew Harvey away.  Especially when he noticed that the inside of the cab matched the outside. Spotlessly clean!  

As he slid behind the wheel, Wally said, 'Would you like a cup of coffee? I have a thermos of regular and one of decaf.'

My friend said jokingly, 'No, I'd prefer a soft drink.' Wally smiled and said, ‘No problem. I have a cooler up front with regular and Diet Coke, water and orange juice.' Almost stuttering, Harvey said, ‘I’ll take a Diet Coke.'  

Handing him his drink, Wally said, 'If you'd like something to read, I have The Wall Street Journal, Time, Sports Illustrated and USA Today.' As they were pulling away, Wally handed my friend another laminated card. 'These are the stations I get and the music they play, if you'd like to listen to the radio.' And as if that weren't enough, Wally told Harvey that he had the air conditioning on and asked if the temperature was comfortable for him. Then he advised Harvey of the best route to his destination for that time of day. He also let him know that he'd be happy to chat and tell him about some of the sights or, if Harvey preferred, to leave him with his own thoughts.  

'Tell me, Wally,' my amazed friend asked the driver, 'have you always served customers like this?'  

Wally smiled into the rear view mirror. 'No, not always, in fact, it's only been in the last two years. My first five years driving, I spent most of my time complaining like all the rest of the cabbies do. Then I heard the personal growth guru, Wayne Dyer, on the radio one day. He had just written a book called You'll See It When You Believe It. Dyer said that if you get up in the morning expecting to have a bad day, you'll rarely disappoint yourself. He said, ‘Stop complaining! Differentiate yourself from your competition. Don’t be a duck. Be an eagle. Ducks quack and complain. Eagles soar above the crowd.''  

That hit me right between the eyes,' said Wally. 'Dyer was really talking about me. I was always quacking and complaining, so I decided to change my attitude and become an eagle. I looked around at the other cabs and their drivers. The cabs were dirty, the drivers were unfriendly, and the customers were unhappy. So I decided to make some changes. I put in a few at a time. When my customers responded well, I did more.'  

 'I take it that has paid off for you,' Harvey said.  

'It sure has,' Wally replied. 'My first year as an eagle, I doubled my income from the previous year. This year I'll probably quadruple it.  You were lucky to get me today. I don't sit at cabstands anymore. My customers call me for appointments on my cell phone or leave a message on my answering machine. If I can't pick them up myself, I get a reliable cabbie

friend to do it and I take a piece of the action.'  Wally was phenomenal. He was running a limo service out of a Yellow Cab.
From Nana in Richmond  

When the power of love overcomes the love of power, the world will know peace.
Jimi Hendrix

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